My Love, It is hard to be the only.

It’s hard to be the first.

It’s hard to heal.

It’s hard to eat clean when everyone in your house eats the opposite.

It’s hard to go on a walk when it’s cold outside.

It’s hard to meal prep when you don’t want to.

It’s hard to wake up 10 minutes earlier to spend time with God.

But do you know what else is even harder?

Being on your deathbed and regret settles in. You always quit on yourself anytime you set goals. You never finished anything. You didn’t take the trips you wanted because you weren’t disciplined with your money. You never said “no” because you were too afraid to hurt your kid’s feelings. Now they have a hard time accepting “No’s” as adults.

You know what’s really hard?

Knowing you could’ve, but you didn’t. Pondering on what you wish you did, but wouldn’t. Knowing you spent 25 years with a man that you knew wasn’t the one. You knew you deserved and wanted different, but you settled anyway.

You know what else is hard?

Reaching the end and realizing your regret.

You.

Regret.

And a big part of you wishes and longs to go back to do it again, but you can’t. Your desperation can’t be calmed or comforted.

I don’t know about you but I don’t want that for myself. We are all going to die. It’s the truth. The reality. The hard pill to swallow. I know I want to leave this world empty.

Empty because I gave my all.

Loved my hardest.

Empty because I poured,

I received, and

I gave

again and again.

Free because I did all the things God called me to do and then some. Here’s the tricky part, beloved. We don’t know when that time will come. We don’t know if we will see death knocking or if it will come unexpectedly.

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the book Kingdom of Ash by Sarah J. Maas: 

Live Manon, live. Live you who reads this. Live.

It’s hard, but knowing you broke your promises to YOU is harder.

 (Related: Why we break the promises we make to ourselves)