It’s 2014, and I’m sitting next to this guy I met once before. Funny, how we are meeting again. He definitely doesn’t know I thought about him many times since the first time we met. I can’t lie. I am excited to see him again. I want to get to know him, but this is a professional setting, and I don’t want to come off the wrong way.

Fast forward some hours later. One of our mutual friends sends me his socials and I follow him. At the time, I did not know his eyes were set on someone else. I also couldn’t know how attached I’d be to him in the upcoming years. All I knew at that moment was I wanted him to pick me, choose me, and give me his attention.

I wanted him to see me so badly that I was willing to compromise my inner peace. I would wait impatiently for him to text back or call. I became so desperate for his attention. I was so thirsty for him that I gave myself in ways he didn’t deserve. This want (that my mind equated to a need at the time) started to take over me. I would run to him whenever he called for me. I would volunteer my body to him to feel wanted, seen, and chosen. If he asked, I gave. If he needed me I was always there. I knew consciously that he wasn’t the one for me. He was an emotional pattern that I fed into; a lesson in relationships that I continuously failed. I wanted him to pick me, but the reason behind why I wanted him to acknowledge me was so much more than I realized at the time.

When we look at psychology, we almost always see this idea of going back to our childhood to find the root cause of whatever it is we are hoping to heal. Psychologists say this is where the beliefs and attachments were formed. When I “went back to my childhood” during a journaling session, I realized how many of my relationship patterns stemmed from my perception of my absent father. When he left I would tell anyone who would listen that I hated him. Deep down I didn’t hate him at all. 

Was I mad at him?

Definitely.

Disappointed?

Absolutely.

Did I hate him?

No. Not at all.

I hated that he didn’t give me his attention, acceptance, and love. I wanted him to choose me. Please pick me. Please show me I’m worthy of your time. Please tell me I’m special and important to you. 

My mom was always there to give me reassurance, love, acceptance, and so much more, yet I still wanted these things from a paternal figure; specifically, my supposed paternal figure: my father. I went searching for that “hit” of approval. I looked for it in movies, alcohol, friendships, men, situationships, and the like. As cliche as this sounds “I was looking for love in all the wrong places.” My body/mind tried to get my attention every single time. “This person isn’t the right one! Stay away!” and most of the time I still didn’t listen. This sudden realization led me here to write this post.

I define a “Pick-me” as someone who craves to be seen, chosen, loved, and accepted. I believe the pick-me’s and recovering pick-me’s, such as myself, seek these things externally because we don’t dare to discover these things within ourselves. I wanted to be picked, but the whole time God was telling me over and over again that I did not need to be chosen by others. He told me I was already His chosen. I just had to be courageous enough to pick myself. It took me too long to realize this. 

If you’re like me and you’ve been here. You’ve made your inner work a priority. Maybe you’re working hard on healing relationship with yourself, your attachment style, anxiety, self-esteem, etc. Maybe, at times, you find yourself slipping back into your old way of being. Perhaps, you find yourself posting the selfie to get your “hit” of acceptance via likes/views.

Please don’t be hard on yourself if this is you. The first step is acknowledgment. Simply recognizing that you have been seeking validation from others is a huge step. Once you know your pattern you can heal and create new ones. This isn’t an overnight fix. It never is. Moments of insecurity may still come up even when you feel you’ve already healed this part of you. That’s okay. The healing journey lasts for life. Give yourself grace. 

Side note: this is also why it’s important to choose your spouse and friends wisely. The proper support system will be able to hold space for you when you start to slip back into old ways of thinking. 

When you desperately want to be picked, chosen, and seen by someone else, ask yourself, “Why?” Look back at your relationships with friends, family, and romantic partners. Write out (or think about) the relationship. How did it start? How did it end? Do you notice any patterns? For me, I discovered I had an anxious attachment style when it came to romantic relationships. By journaling on this topic I learned about my wounding from my father. Now that I have done so much self-development, I can acknowledge and accept that my father was doing the best he could with the tools he had. He was a hurt child in an adult body. I will not hold that against him. I chose to heal from it and hopefully encourage others to do the same.

If you make any discoveries that you would like to share, please comment below. 

With Love, 

Lana

You can watch the related Youtube video here.