Have you ever started doing something for the wrong reasons? Has it ever ended up working out for you in the end anyway?

Growing up, I had a constant desire to be seen and acknowledged. Part of this is related to daddy issues. This led me to go out of my way to greet any random person I saw. I thought, maybe my “Hello” or “Good morning” would make this stranger feel seen and noticed. Maybe my one “Hello” would give that person faith in humanity. As I’ve been journaling, another reason came up for me: Maybe they won’t see me as an “angry black woman.” I thought if I was nice enough people wouldn’t immediately see me that way. I thought if I was kind-hearted, they wouldn’t stereotype me.

It seemed like everywhere I looked, watched, and read, there was something being said about this so-called “angry black woman.’ In my [child] brain, this stereotype told me that if I wanted to be accepted by everyone else, I could not be upset, I could not set boundaries, nor could I be assertive. It told me that I had no right to be angry even if any other woman (or person, in general) could be. If I said “no” to something I would overanalyze myself and think things like: “Is this person seeing me as mean and angry? I don’t want to be interpreted as mad. I want to be accepted, respected, and acknowledged.”

People-pleasing is extremely common amongst women, not just black women. One day, I will write more on this topic because it is something so many of us struggle with, but today I’m focusing on my experience as a black woman.

There were times when I very much wanted to outwardly express my anger and upset, but I didn’t.

There was the time I resigned from a work position in a very respectful way. It wasn’t how I planned to leave this job, but it had to happen at this moment. I don’t need to go into all the details and explain how proud I was to stand firm on a boundary I had set. For the sake of your time, I want you to know that there was no fussing. No hollering. No anger from my end. I handled myself very well in that moment when most people probably wouldn’t have. On my way out I hugged my VP and told her how thankful I was for being part of the team. (Side note: If this happened today, I would not stop at the VP’s office. This was definitely me people-pleasing and attempting to NOT be seen as the angry black woman that they would end up making me out to be anyway.) A soon as my coworkers were informed of what happened they shared with me how my unexpected exit was relayed to them. The short version is: once again, I was described as a disgruntled black woman. My [former] team wouldn’t believe what they were told. Those who knew me knew that leadership’s portrayal of me was a false representation of my character. However, it still was a subconscious reminder to me that it doesn’t matter how I do it. I can be kind and docile. I can be assertive and sure. I will still be labeled as : aggressive, hostile, and mad. For a long time, this irked me. Why can’t I be seen as just me? Just Alana?

On my healing journey, I’ve been facing myself in uncomfortable ways. I had to look myself in the mirror and ask: Why do you care how they see you? You’re kind. You love brightening people’s days. You enjoy sending an encouraging note to someone who needs it. You also get mad like anyone else. Give yourself grace, Baby Girl. You have days where your battery is low and you don’t want to communicate as you normally do. Sometimes you over-pour from your cup which leaves you empty. You can’t give everything to everyone. You have to save some for yourself. That doesn’t make you any different than anyone else. So what if they see you and think “Eek a angry black woman.” That shows their ignorance and their lack of inner work/self-acknowledgment. You don’t owe them anything. You know who you are and that’s more than enough.

I’m not mad at myself for caring what people thought for all these years. I’m not upset that I was programmed to see my blackness and my womanhood as a negative thing. Society ingrains that in our heads. I’m proud of myself for seeing how incorrect this way of believing was. The fact that this thought came up means the inner work is working.

Now, when I enter rooms where strangers are, I greet them because I want to. I share my light with anyone I feel led to share it with. I don’t care how they view me. I don’t care if they only see a black woman, because now, I know exactly who I am.

Journal prompts and Thoughts to consider

1. Do you have any stereotypes that you feel have been cast on you because of your ethnicity or gender? Have you ever found yourself purposely attempting to be the opposite of this stereotype? (Note: This could also come across as self-hate or being judgmental of people of your ethnic background, status, etc.)

2. Think back over your lifetime. Can you recall a time you felt that you started to people-please to be accepted by the community, tribe, or society?

With Love,

Lana

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